The Tony Soprano Problem: Why even the strongest leaders get blindsided

Tony Soprano was a master of coercion. Through violence, extortion, and bribery, he rose to the top of his industry, crushing competitors and delivering strong margins, despite some unfortunate employee turnover along the way. But even Soprano began to suspect there might be another way. His psychiatrist, Dr. Jennifer Melfi, encouraged him to try a more collaborative approach, to become a better listener, and to engage with subordinates more thoughtfully. Soprano paused, thought about it, and, after considering the implications, asked, “Then how do I get people to do what I want?” That’s the Tony Soprano Problem. And today, every leader feels it. We want to be thoughtful managers, to motivate our teams, and to be effective collaborators. But we also want—and need—people to do what we want. We want customers to buy our products, stakeholders to buy into our vision, and our team to execute our plans. Good leaders learn to square that circle. How Strong Leaders Lead Years ago, one of my best managers left to take a job at another company. At our company, she was responsible for a single brand and could always check in with me on any decision. But in her new role, she was leading the entire digital effort and, despite her talent and experience, she found herself struggling. She called me one day and asked me how I was so confident in all the decisions I made. I was a bit taken aback because I was rarely confident in my decisions. Managing an organization of more than 800 people, every decision I had to make was one that 799 others couldn’t. I didn’t get to make easy calls, only uncertain ones. Being in a position of responsibility means you have to make decisions without all the facts, in a rapidly changing context. You do so in the full knowledge that if you’re wrong, you will bear the blame and no one else will. You can never be certain of your decision, only that it’s you who has to make one. That’s what made Soprano a formidable leader. It’s why so many successful m