A Helpful Guide to Fair Elections From the Supreme Court Majority

Hello! You’ve probably been seeing all our wafer-thin shadow-docket rulings with long dissents attached and saying, Well, after reading this, I know why these rulings are wrong, but why are they right? That’s fair. As a little treat, because we are feeling generous, we will explain our thinking on the Voting Rights Act in Louisiana v. Callais!How do I know if a state congressional map is drawn correctly?A congressional district should look unlike any shape you’ve ever seen on Earth. Some kind of strange lizard, but a lizard undergoing a painful transformation into something Other. It should look like the mouth of a creature opening up to devour you. It should look like it’s giving you the finger. And, most important, the district should be red all over. That’s the color a map turns when it’s healthy.If there are any blue patches, blue stripes, or even little blue dots, that’s a sign your map is sick. You must work quickly to rectify that until the whole map turns a nice, healthy red—or, failing that, mostly red with just one safely contained blue area. It’s what the Founders would have wanted. Especially Elbridge Gerry.How can I tell if my election is fair?What’s fair? Fair is when your wife, Ginni, looks at the outcome of the election and it makes her happy. If you look at your polling results and you think, Gee, this won’t please Ginni, then you need to do something different to your map!Remember, the will of the voters is to elect a Republican. We can say that objectively as nonpartisan jurists! All districts should be constituted so that you are given every possible chance to be represented by a Republican. Knowing he has a nice, healthy cushion will encourage that Republican to try things he might otherwise not feel comfortable doing, like shooting a dog just to feel something, or skipping every vote to focus on doing more things with his stocks.Okay, but what about the Voting Rights Act?Thank goodness we have gotten rid of that unconstitutional nightmare! It’s