The Pope Goes on an ICE Ride-Along

In compliance with the spirit of the ride-along, the pope was wearing a face mask and full body armor, but in compliance with his role as pope, he was also wearing his tall, ceremonial miter and holding a ferula. “Is this really necessary?” the border czar said.“Yes,” said the pope. “You wanted to sit down and explain things to me. Here I am. For our ride-along. I have accepted your gracious invitation.”Grumbling, the border czar climbed into the popemobile.“Hungry?” the pope asked. He produced a CAVA bag from the depths of his robes. “I got us lunch to share. It is a CAVA bag with food in it. Just food, nothing else.”The border czar scowled. “I thought you weren’t making political commentary.”“It’s not a commentary,” the pope said. “It’s lunch.”“I thought it was a reference to the time undercover agents gave me a CAVA bag full of cash.”“Undercover agents gave you a CAVA bag full of cash?” the pope said. He made a face. “That’s several Hail Marys, at least.”*They drove in silence.“I always wished the popemobile would play a little tune, like an ice-cream truck,” the pope said. He began to hum “Lacrimosa.”The border czar sighed. “What kind of Catholic are you?”“That’s what J. D. Vance said,” the pope replied. “I just think it’s terrible how he speaks about his wife. I guess I have to read his new book about faith that’s coming out. Who knows, maybe I will learn a lot. He seems to think he has a lot to teach me. Is it a left here?”The border czar nodded. “We’re going to do a routine arrest. You’re going to see the kind of thing we do. The kind of stress we’re under. Hopefully you’ll emerge from this with an appreciation of ICE.”The border czar had put an address into the popemobile’s GPS (Gloria P