The joy and judgement of being an older mum

As an older mum, Heather says she's more patient and able to focus on what matters. (Supplied) Link copiedShareShare articleNot long after giving birth to her son, Heather was asked by a stranger at a restaurant: Are you his mum or grandma? Heather had given birth at 47. She says it was a long but worthwhile wait. "Once we were home [from hospital] I thought, 'I can't believe you're mine. I can't believe we did this,'" she said. "There was nowhere else that I wanted to be, I waited so long for him. I was so in love with him." Being an older mum comes with many joys, Heather says, but also judgement, which was apparent when quizzed at the restaurant that day. Whether it's about investing in careers early, wanting to be financially stable, infertility or waiting to meet "the right person", Australian women are increasingly having children later in life. Before 1991, only 5 per cent of first-time mothers were over the age of 35. By 2020, that figure increased to 17 per cent. ABC podcast Ladies, We Need to Talk spoke with Heather and Zoe about what it's like to be an older mum. Heather always wanted to be a mum. (Supplied) When Heather was 19, she was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), a hormonal disorder that can affect fertility. She was told getting pregnant would be difficult. Despite this, Heather always hoped to have children. Her husband Ryan — who she met at 26 — took a little longer to get on board. After some health challenges in her 30s, the couple started trying for a baby, and at 45, Heather was finally pregnant. But on her first visit to the doctor, she was told the pregnancy wouldn't be viable. "[The doctor] said, 'I will expect you to miscarry this baby in the next week or two.' And I did," she said. Heather was heartbroken. And the loss clarified for her husband that he really wanted to be a dad, after all. Yumi Stynes meets two first time mums who fell pregnant in their mid-40s to talk about the challenges and the joys of being an older mum. A year later, Heather was pregnant for the second time. The pregnancy was tracking well, but as a 47-year-old diabetic, Heather said it was high-risk and meant lots of hospital visits. On top of managing her own health in pregnancy, Ryan was diagnosed with a rare cancer. She said it was a difficult time. But when their son Will was born, relief washed over her. "He just screamed at me bloody murder. I was just like, 'Yes, he's OK.'" Despite occasional judgement, Heather said age didn't stop her from being deeply involved and active with her son. "I'm old enough to be the mum of the mums at the park. But I'm the one that's up doing the activities with the kids," she said. Heather said age and life experience allowed her to appreciate those moments. "I realise that memories are what matters most," she said. "I'm not going get that time back, he's not going to get that time back. I need to invest in him." She said maturity also allowed her to have a more relaxed approach to the messiness of motherhood and let little things go. There are several evidence-based advantages associated with late-age births — for both mum and bub — and experts say we should be talking about them more. Ryan's cancer is terminal, and his health means a lot of the parenting falls to Heather, but they're cherishing it all. "Thankfully he's got a fairly slow-growing cancer. So he should be able to last a fair few years and hopefully old enough for Will to have memories of him in person rather than just looking at photos and videos," Heather said. "Even knowing that Ryan was going to get sick, even knowing that I would be probably raising him on my own, I would do it again in a heartbeat. "The small moments — the family moments together — just are the best moments of my life." How have you found becoming a mum later in life? We'd love to hear from you. Zoe had 13 IVF cycles before she got pregnant with her daughter. (Supplied) Zoe was 44 and her husband was 51 when they had their daughter. She sometimes reads judgemental things online about older mums, such as: "You're not going to be around for your child" or "you're going to be the oldest mum in school". "So what?" says Zoe. "You've worked harder than anything in your entire life to get this child into the world. It doesn't matter how old you are." And Zoe did work hard. By the time she was pregnant with her daughter, she had been through 13 IVF cycles. She had also miscarried twins the year prior. "It was really devastating. Just to kind of have that excitement and then to be told that it's probably not going to happen." After that loss, Zoe threw everything at getting pregnant again. "I changed my diet. I went to acupuncture every week. I did yoga every night. I meditated." When it eventually happened, she was nervous. "You're just praying and you're wishing … please stay baby. Please stay." Zoe was nervous throughout her pregnancy. (Supplied) Her daughter was born seven we

The joy and judgement of being an older mum

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