'Let's talk about death': Breaking taboo over coffee and cake

Former train driver Sonny Walker died in March surrounded by members of his family. (ABC News: Peter Mullins) Link copiedShareShare articleTrudy Walker sits in a cafe by the sea talking to more than a dozen strangers about the recent death of her father-in-law, who had dementia. "He went so gently. It was just an absolutely glorious experience," the newly graduated social worker says with conviction. Social worker Trudy Walker recently attended a Death Cafe, where she spoke about the recent death of her father-in-law Sonny Walker. (Supplied) Mrs Walker recounts one of life's most intimate experiences to people she has never met, bar a work colleague she has only known a few days. Participants are invited to make themselves tea or coffee, and there's cake, strawberries, chips and biscuits to graze on. But this is far from your average coffee shop. Mrs Walker was a participant in a Death Cafe, organised by Kylie Whyte, a Queensland Health psychologist. Like her, about half of those attending are health workers wanting to learn more about death and dying to help their patients. But Kim Hutchins, who is studying to be a death doula, has driven three hours from Maryborough to the Brighton Wellness Hub, on Brisbane's northern outskirts, to attend. And Betty, a young woman from Taiwan, has interrupted her working holiday in Australia to come to the cafe, keen to learn about the cultural differences in how death and dying are talked about between the two countries. Psychologist Kylie Whyte has started Death Cafes at the Brighton Wellness Hub in Brisbane, aimed at facilitating more conversations about death and dying. (ABC News: Janelle Miles) At the outset, Ms Whyte makes it clear the Death Cafe is not an opportunity for grief counselling, or a support group after someone close died. "There are other forums for that," she says. It is more about facilitating conversations about death and dying, breaking societal taboos that stop people talking about the subject. Mrs Walker, who is three days into a new role as a graduate social worker when she attends the cafe, says she is "fascinated by the dying process and the impact on family". "Generally, I have found that people are frightened of death and don't want to talk about death," she says. Mrs Walker references her father-in-law Sonny's passing at 11.31am on March 12 at his Brisbane nursing home throughout the two-hour Death Cafe experience. The former train driver took his last breath as his son and daughter joked about a time when, as children, he took them to see the movie Jaws while on holidays in the central Queensland coastal town of Yeppoon. The next day at the beach they refused to go for a swim, obviously frightened after watching Jaws, a thriller about a great white shark terrorising a small beach town. Research suggests Death Cafes can "enhance death literacy by fostering open conversations about mortality, enhancing emotional resilience". (ABC News: Janelle Miles) More than a half a century after that day in 1975, they laughed as they recounted the story by their dying father's bedside. "I had my eyes on him. I could see that he'd passed," Mrs Walker says. "I said: 'He passed with your laughter in his ears.'" Research suggests hearing is the last sense to go before death. The Walkers spent time with their father after he died, and when it finally came time for his body to leave the nursing home, dozens of workers formed an honour guard as he was wheeled out. Louis Armstrong's It's a Wonderful World was played as he was rolled from the loading dock to the funeral home van. With her hand on her father's chest, his daughter sang to him one last time before he was taken away. "Everybody was in tears," Mrs Walker recalls, later describing the scene as a powerful farewell, full of love. "This whole experience, I know it's not everybody's, but for my husband's family, it was transformative." Rather than being left traumatised, they felt a sense of peace. Ms Whyte, a grief and bereavement coordinator with Metro North Palliative Care, uses Mrs Walker's experience to guide the Death Cafe conversation towards people's positive experiences with death. She tells her own story about changes in her life since her mother's death from cancer aged 62. Ms Whyte's mum Barbara Garrick in hospital for chemotherapy. She's holding a bunny called EB, given to her by her grandson for her hospital visits when he couldn't be with her. (Supplied) "Prior to her death, work was really important to me," Ms Whyte says. "I was on a trajectory, wanted to do leadership roles. And then I realised life is short. Work is important, but it's not that important. The message is clear — make the most of life while you have it. Since Ms Whyte started organising Death Cafes at the Brighton Wellness Hub early last year, they have been attended by participants aged from 18 to 92. She says the concept started in 2004 in Switzerland when sociologist Bernard Crettaz fo

'Let's talk about death': Breaking taboo over coffee and cake

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