As the eldest daughter, I always knew I would care for my parents

Cindy Mai knew from a young age she would care for her parents one day. (Supplied) Link copiedShareShare articleCindy Mai has always known she would be the one to care for her aging parents. As the eldest daughter in a Vietnamese family, it was an unspoken expectation. The 49-year-old from Melbourne/Naarm is a mother of two and primary carer for her own mother who lives with her. She is also a support to her dad. Cindy works full time at not-for-profit provider of in-home care, Care Connect, where she sees her own experiences play out for other culturally diverse Australians. Cindy says the hardest part is the guilt. "You do everything you can for your parents, for your kids, but it never feels enough. I always feel guilty for not getting to everything," she says. We spoke to Cindy about how her care responsibilities are shaped by culture, birth order and gender. And how this expectation mapped out her life. Cindy Mai had big responsibilities, even in childhood. (Supplied) I have a sister who is two years younger than me, and a brother who is seven years younger. My family arrived in Australia in 1983. Dad doesn't have any siblings. Mum has 11, but none of them are here in Australia, so we are kind of alone here. There were no specific discussions about me stepping up for Mum and Dad when they got older, it was just a natural part of who I needed to be. I did hear a lot from Dad that "as the eldest sibling, your job is to look after your siblings. You need to be a role model". If Dad was away for work, I would be the one taking my younger siblings to school and supporting Mum with our family business. Being the role model and stepping in for Mum and Dad was a big part of my life, but I didn't know any different and it never felt like a burden. Cindy Mai, left, with her mum and younger sister. (Supplied) I've had to build up a lot of resilience over the years. I've had to operate my life in the way that was very efficient because there is a lot to get through in a day. When I got married and we were expecting our first child, I wanted to move back to Brisbane where I grew up. I loved my childhood there, but knowing the responsibility ahead of me, I just couldn't leave Melbourne and relocate. When my kids were older and we were looking at schools, I couldn't even contemplate getting them into a school that required us to move. I wanted to stay close to my parents. Being in the sandwich generation is very hard, super hard. And requires you juggling every day between parents, kids, your job, yourself. Self-care is always last on the list of priorities. Cindy Mai is a busy working mum of two, as well as a carer. (Supplied) We've got Mum with me, then my two children, and my husband. Ten minutes away is my sister, and same for my brother. I'm 15 minutes away from Dad. We are all very local and close to stay connected. Day to day, week to week, my life is super busy, super crazy, so every minute needs to be productive. My day starts before dawn when I get a lot of my work done before the family is awake. So I can spend time with my family when they are up Sometimes I'm home late due to after-hours meetings, which means I don't get to have dinner with my family. Feelings of guilt are common among carers who wish they could do more for their aging parents, says Carer's Australia CEO Annabel Reid. The mental load of it all, that's where it's really hard. With mum and my kids, my role is managing their life. That means mapping out what happens, where, when and how. It's school holidays at the moment and I have a spreadsheet that maps out their schedule. At the moment, my parents' health is pretty good. From time to time there are things we need to do, but the harder days are ahead of me as they get older and likely need more support. I have a big job at work, and at home. The mental load is enormous. But I appreciate everything that I have and value the time I have with my family. I just wish there was an easier way to get through each day. Copy linkFacebookX (formerly Twitter)PromotionTop StoriesAngus Taylor promises permanent tax cuts and to reinstate all negative gearingTopic:Tax

As the eldest daughter, I always knew I would care for my parents

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