And Now a Few Words From Our Former Presidents on UFC 250

The American experiment is—dare I say it?—a success![Donald Trump and Dana White, the Ultimate Fighting Championship CEO, stroll past the wall of paintings.]John Adams: Who’s that?[Muffled roar from behind the White House]Abraham Lincoln: What’s going on in that structure at the back of the White House?Harry Truman: My balcony?Lincoln: Lower. The thing that says UFC Freedom 250 on it.James Buchanan: That’s the president’s arena for his mixed martial arts match, to celebrate his 80th birthday and, supposedly, America’s birthday too.Calvin Coolidge: ...Theodore Roosevelt: Did someone say “arena”? I love an arena! Bully! And the president is going to fight in the arena, you say?Buchanan: No, he is going to watch while other men fight, and talk critically about them.Roosevelt: (Tosses down his hat and stamps on it.) That is the worst thing he could do!Warren Harding: Now, hang on. It’s possible that he’s a very good, standard-issue president otherwise.Rutherford B. Hayes: He knocked down the East Wing to build an enormous ballroom.Woodrow Wilson: (Gleefully rubbing his hands.) And it looks like his “secretary of war” is taking steps to resegregate the military!Buchanan: And thanks to this president’s initiative, you can watch the ultimate-fighting bouts being broadcast from the South Lawn, streaming only on Paramount+ (available for a mere $8.99 a month). Closed captioning sponsored by Trump Coin!John Adams: I feel confident judging the president on this basis. Buchanan, how do you know so much about all this?Buchanan: Any time a president’s approval rating drops below a certain level, I get a special notification about what he’s been up to. The closed captioning I can see with my new Paramount+ subscription. Look, John! They even played a video about how you were the first president to live in the W