Why make-up sex may not be fixing anything

Experts say make-up sex lets some couples off the hook from having actual conversations. (Pexels: Ketut Subiyanto) Link copiedShareShare articleDo tensions between you and your partner often boil over into the bedroom? Sex after a fight might feel intense, passionate and offer a release from heightened emotions. But if there's little conversation happening about the argument, experts say make-up sex might not be helping you solve much. Here's their advice on how to recognise if sex after a fight is becoming an unhealthy pattern and how use the moment to truly reconnect. During conflict, cortisol and adrenaline can flood our bodies, bringing a sense of "emotional discomfort", says Armin Ariana, a sexologist and president of the Society of Australian Sexologists Queensland branch. "But at the same time, it is tapping into a little activation of your desire department," Dr Ariana says. "It's not necessarily giving you a readiness for sex, but it is bringing a little bit of arousal in. Megan Luscombe, a relationship coach based in Boonwurrung/Mount Martha, on Victoria's Mornington Peninsula, says for some, sex can be a "release valve" after a fight. "The nervous system is activated, you're both fully present," she says. Experts say some people may be more wary of sex after a fight. (Pexels: Ron Lach) "When the tension breaks there's an enormous amount of energy that needs somewhere to go." However, clinical sexologist and relationship counsellor Tanya Koens says some people may be more wary of sex after a fight. "They might feel like the boundaries have been crossed or they haven't been understood, which may not feel as safe or as exciting as it does for others." She says as long as "the sex is not coerced, or somebody feels like they have to do it to keep the peace … then I don't think that it's wrong." Ms Luscombe believes the term make-up sex needs a rebrand because it implies the fight is over or there was repair. "What [usually] happens is the intensity peaked, [a couple] needed relief, and sex provided it," she says. "Calling it make-up sex lets people off the hook from having the actual conversation. "The thing you were fighting about is still sitting on the kitchen bench waiting for you on Tuesday morning." Megan Luscombe believes the term make-up sex needs a rebrand. (Supplied: Megan Luscombe) Dr Ariana recommends couples enjoy the closeness sex offers, but to come back to the conversation. "If this becomes, 'we can do it and there's no harm done', do it," he says. "But don't use it to avoid that kind of conversation that needs to happen. "The underlying problem will remain unresolved." Ms Koens says people have different ideas, beliefs and meanings about sex and it is best to check in with your partner afterwards. "You can ask, what does this mean? Are we still fighting? Have we solved things?" she says. Research shows women losing interest in sex before their male partners is less about not wanting it at all, and more about being bored of the sex on offer. "A lot of people have break-up sex [because] they're no longer troubled by the things that were bothering them in the relationship. "One or both people can think, 'oh, we've had such great break-up sex, maybe we should stay together'. "It's really all about the meaning that you're putting towards the sex." Experts say couples may also mistake the intensity of post-fight sex for intimacy. "Intensity and intimacy feel similar in the body, your heart rate is up, you're hyperaware of the other person, there's a kind of electric aliveness to it," Ms Luscombe says. "But intimacy is actually built in the quiet moments, the conversations that aren't heated, the repair that happens when nobody's adrenaline is running the show. "Couples who've been running on intensity for years often tell me they feel simultaneously very passionate and very lonely." If you've recognised sex after conflict has become a pattern in your relationship, our experts say you can harness it positively. "After any kind of sexual activity, you get endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin," Dr Ariana says. "That would be a good time to open up, to have the conversation [about the issue] because the connection and the intimacy build that emotional safety." Those chemicals released during sex are linked to behaviours like kindness and generosity, according to Ms Koens. "So, if you've been having sexy times, it might be easier to talk to your partner afterwards, when you're feeling a little bit more relaxed and a little bit closer." Clinical sexologist Tanya Koens says chemicals released during sex are linked into behaviours such as kindness and generosity. (Supplied) Ms Luscombe says recognising the pattern in the relationship is the first step to resolving it. "Noticing that the fight ended in bed and the conversation never actually finished," she says. "Then having that conversation, the one that feels less urgent once the adrenaline has dropped, but

Why make-up sex may not be fixing anything

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