The science behind why break-ups are so difficult, even when you want to

The longer you are in a relationship, the harder it can be to leave. (Pexels) Link copiedShareShare articleEnding a relationship is tough, even when you want to. You might be worried about finances, co-parenting arrangements, or even ending up alone. But it's not just practical and emotional reasons that get in the way of executing a break-up, says Sian Khuman, a consultant psychologist and couples therapist. "The more a person is aware of the feelings and psychological and brain-based processes that are barriers to ending a relationship, the more a person can have awareness and explore each of these for themselves," Ms Khuman says. Popular mental health counsellor and US-based content creator Jeff Guenther, also known as Therapy Jeff, recently shared some science-backed reasons for why it's so hard to end a long-term relationship. We asked experts about some of them, and why being aware of these unconscious motivations telling us to stay can ultimately help us leave. "Sunk cost fallacy" is an inability to ignore costs that have already been spent and can't be recovered. In the context of relationships, you may be justifying staying due to how much you've invested, rather than acknowledging the present circumstances. "The more resources, whether that be time, energy or money, you put into a relationship, the more invested [you] are," says Carly Dober, a psychologist and policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists. "People might think 'I have given this person 10 years, I've got to see it through', even if the present isn't very good." To combat this thinking, Ms Dober recommends asking yourself: What is the relationship really giving me? "Say you give it another five years, and you're just getting the same as you are now, or not as much as you would like — would you say you're wasting time then?" She says we don't have to stick with every decision we make in life: it's OK to change your mind. Ms Khuman says it can be helpful to think about what you gained from the relationship, rather than what you're losing. "It is important to know that a relationship brings much learning and growth, even if it may end at some point." Experts recommend asking yourself: What is the relationship really giving me? (Pexels) The longer you are in a relationship, the more you experience identity fusion. "Your partner becomes part of your self-concept", Mr Guenther says in his viral video. "Leaving them isn't just losing them, it's losing a chunk of you." Ms Dober says couples' lives become enmeshed, and it can feel like you will lose everything when walking away. "That's a scary thought for many people. Some people might not feel like it's worth it." Ms Khuman says your partner's family, mutual friend groups, routines or hobbies you do together are examples of things you might have to part ways with — or at least risk losing. "There are also the shared future plans — the idea of separating means those dreams are gone," Ms Khuman says. When we have a long-term relationship, we attach to the person, explains Ms Khuman. "We move from a primary attachment to an adult attachment as we grow up" and that adult attachment "is still driven by the same mechanisms in the brain, which wants to be safe, secure, seen and soothed," she says. Often a long-term partner provides some of this. "To consider ending the relationship, we risk losing these fundamentals for security in life," says Ms Khuman. "The brain will feel the loss and pain from breaking the attachment and fear the pain of the loss and the feeling of being alone or insecure." Ms Dober says research shows that if we perceive rejection or being ostracised, we can feel physical pain. "Even if we are thinking about anticipated loss, even if the loss might be a net positive for us, that can be really scary. To overcome this, Ms Khuman says it's helpful to know that fear is the brain's way of highlighting you may be unprotected by breaking an attachment. "This however passes and once the brain desensitises to being out of attachment to a person, it adjusts and can settle and soothe itself." And once a relationship ends, Ms Khuman says a person may have nostalgia or confusion around the good and bad memories and yearn for the attachment — even if the relationship was not a good fit or healthy. "To know this allows you to be there for yourself and cope with these feelings." Often the thought of how painful the break-up will be is worse than reality, says Ms Khuman. When a relationship breaks down, sometimes we think staying in the familiar discomfort is less scary — and even protective — for our kids. But is it ever a good idea to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children? "For example, getting an injection can often feel scary and the anticipated feeling of pain often is greater than the actual pain of [a needle]." She says while break-ups can be painful, confusing and sad, "we can also imagine that we cannot

The science behind why break-ups are so difficult, even when you want to

Key takeaways

More in international